the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
