I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
