I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
