I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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