what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i need some magic done to my vagina
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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