Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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