Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
