I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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