I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
