I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is Oprah even human
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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