Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
