Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
