And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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