What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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