I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
