I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
