I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
