Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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