I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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