It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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