Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm both gender and math confused
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
