What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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