I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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