I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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