apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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