Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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