He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
