Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
