Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
