Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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