When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
