she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
