Don't make out with my wife yet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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