1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
