Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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