thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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