Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
