My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
