yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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