I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Are my feet made of real feet?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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