Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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