she was so not down for the gang bang
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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