I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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