I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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