I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
