She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
