jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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