i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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