Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
