Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
