So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
