I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
