i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
