My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
