why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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