Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
