That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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