Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
