i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
