I hate your face
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
