I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
